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第46部分（第1页）

were　chatting　and　clinking　their　silverware。　But　suddenly；　the　noise　was　intolerable。　“I　can’t　do　this；”　she　blurted；　the　words　out　before　she　could　stop　them。　She　glanced　up　at　Chuck。　His　face　was　impossible　to　read。　“I　can’t；”　she　said　more　firmly。　Her　voice　trembled；　but　she　was　more　sure　of　herself　than　she’d　been　in　a　long　time。

Chuck’s　face　fell。　“Do　you　mean　the　apartment？　You　can　redo　it　if　you　want…。”

Blair　shook　her　head。　The　apartment　was　beautiful。　But　it　wasn’t　right。　For　one；　she’d　never　wanted　to　live　in　the　Village。　Ever　since　she　was　little；　whenever　she’d　imagined　her　life　as　an　adult；　she　pictured　an　apartment　off　Fifth　Avenue　within　walking　distance　of　Barneys　and　the　park。　But　it　wasn’t　just　location。　It　was　the　fact　that　deep　down；　she　wasn’t　sure　if　she　wanted　to　be　in　a　relationship。　At　least　not　right　now。　Not　with　someone　who　was　so　ready　to　settle　down。　Weren’t　your　twenties　supposed　to　be　wild　and　crazy　and　full　of　adventures？

Let’s　hope　so。

“Sorry。”　Blair　absentmindedly　pulled　the　ugly　red　carnation　out　of　its　vase　on　the　table　and　began　ripping　it　apart。　The　dark　red　petals　fell　to　the　oak　table　like　little　drops　of　blood。　“I’m　just—I　think　I　need　a　break；”　she　said　just　as　a　black…shirted　waiter　approached　the　table；　order　pad　in　hand。

“I’ll　e　back；”　the　waiter　squeaked　in　a　high　falsetto；　turning　terrifiedly　on　his　newly　shined　heel。

“I　mean；　the　apartment　is　great；　but　what　if　I　get　into　Harvard　Law？　Then　what？　What　if　I　decide　to　take　a　year　off　before　law　school　and　live　in　Paris？”　Blair　said　in　a　rush　of　words；　surprising　herself　as　she　heard　them。

“I　understand；”　Chuck　said　thickly。　His　dark　eyes　clouded　over　and　he　glanced　out　the　steamy　restaurant　window　at　the　pedestrians　passing；　as　if　to　pose　himself。

Even　though　it　was　what　she　wanted　to　hear；　tears　sprang　to　her　eyes。　Chuck　knew　that　she　liked　dirty　martinis　with　extra　olive　juice　at　the　Campbell　Apartment　bar　in　Grand　Central；　surprised　her　with　lilacs　on　the　days　she　had　exams；　and　had　redecorated　his　apartment　in　her　favorite　colors。　Maybe　they　could　be　together　at　some　point　in　the　future。　But　not　right　now。

“Thank　you；”　she　whispered。　It　was　funny。　For　once　in　her　life；　the　movie　in　her　mind　wasn’t　playing。　She　had　no　idea　what　her　next　line　was　or　how　she　should　exit。　She　had　no　idea　if　any　man　was　waiting　in　the　wings。

Blair　scraped　her　chair　back　and　stood　up。　She　didn’t　want　to　make　a　scene；　but　she　was　worried　if　she　didn’t　stand　up　and　get　out；　she　never　would。　The　last　thing　she　wanted　was　to　find　herself　in　ten　years　having　the　same　conversation　about　Hamptons　homes　with　Chuck。

She　felt　tears　beginning　to　well　in　her　eyes。　“’Bye；”　she　said　finally；　running　out　before　the　deluge。

notes　from　around　the　world

Serena　sat　on　the　center　of　her　bed　in　her　childhood　bedroom；　hugging　her　knees　to　her　chest。　She　hadn’t　moved　since　ing　home　from　her　coffee　date　turned　breakup　with　Dan。　It　was　too　exhausting　to　figure　out　what　to　do　with　herself。　She　wanted　to　cry；　to　release　all　the　confused　feelings　inside　her；　but　she　couldn’t。

She　glanced　from　the　white　molding　on　the　ceiling　to　the　framed　Breakfast　at　Fred’s　poster　over　her　antique　bureau　to　the　tiny　silver　Tiffany　box　on　her　night　table。　The　box　housed　all　her　baby　teeth。　In　high　school；　Nate　loved　shaking　them　out　onto　her　white　eyelet　pillowcase；　counting　the　teeth；　and　marveling　at　how　tiny　they　were。

Serena　sighed。　Dan　had　noticed　the　tiny　box；　but　only　to　note　that　it　was　pretty。　He’d　never　asked　what　was　in　it。　It　was　sort　of　like　their　relationship—on　the　surface　it　seemed　perfect；　but　they　were　both　too　afraid　to　really　look　at　what　was　inside。

In　a　way；　their　breakup　had　felt　inevitable。　When　she　was　at　Yale　and　he　was　at　Columbia；　they’d　make　plans　for　the　next　weekend　or　next　break；　but　they’d　never　talked　about　the　future。　And　Serena　never　really　wanted　to　move　to　Iowa。　It　was　just　that　she　had　no　idea　what　she　wanted　to　do。

Her　eyes　fell　on　the　travel　scrapbook　Fiona　had　given　her；　sitting　on　her　bureau。　She　crossed　the　room　and　picked　it　up；　flopping　back　down　on　her　bed。　A　familiar　hum　began　to　course　through　her　body。

Wanderlust？

Serena　stared　out　the　window。　A　snow　flurry　had　begun；　swirling　feathery　white　flakes　down　Fifth　Avenue　and　onto　the　treeless　expanse　of　park　across　from　her　bedroom。　It　was　such　a　wonderfully　familiar　old　view；　one　that　she’d　cherish　forever。　But　she　could　leave　and　it　would　still　be　there　when　she　got　back。　Serena’s　heart　beat　excitedly。　A　small　smile　formed　on　her　lips。　For　the　first　time　in　a　long　time；　she　knew　exactly　what　she　wanted　to　do。

And　who　she　wants　to　do　it　with？

miss　independent

Jenny　ran　up　the　steps　of　Nate’s　stately；　ivy…covered　town　house　on　Monday　night；　ready　for　their　date。　She　and　Elise　had　gone　out　the　past　few　nights；　following　Tyler　to　all　of　his　DJ　gigs　around　the　city。　It　was　just　so　much　fun　to　dress　up　and　be　ushered　into　a　whole　other　world　where　music　ruled；　to　dance　until　4　a。m。；　to　shake　her　long　hair　until　it　got　sweaty　and　tangled。

In　the　past；　Jenny　had　never　been　one　for　clubbing—she’d　been　too　young　when　she　was　living　in　the　city；　Waverly　was　out　in　the　middle　of　nowhere；　and　in　Providence　she　and　Nate　were　often　in　bed　by　ten　o’clock。　It　wasn’t　like　there　was　anything　else　to　do。　Sure；　she　had　acquaintances　from　her　classes　with　whom　she　attended　student　art　shows；　and　Nate　had　a　few　sailing　buddies；　but　neither　of　them　had　any　real　friends。　Reconnecting　with　Elise　had　reminded　Jenny　how　important　it　was　to　have　people　around　you　who　could　make　you　snort　Diet　Coke　out　your　nose；　who　could　spend　hours　debating　whether　or　not　a　Proenza　Schouler　dress　for　Target　looked　like　the　real　thing；　who　could　physically　restrain　you　from　making　out　with　a　cute　young　DJ。

Wait；　what？

Jenny　pressed　the　doorbell　with　a　pink…polished　finger。　She　shifted　her　weight　from　one　Frye　boot　to　the　other；　wondering　if　Nate　would　be　able　to　sense　that　she’d　almost　kissed　Tyler。　Who　knows　if　it　actually　would　have　happened。　But　last　night　while　they　were　dancing；　he　just　looked　so　cute；　with　his　hair　flopping　over　his　hazel　eyes；　his　T…shirt　just　tight　enough　to　show　off　his　toned　arms；　lip…synching　the　lyrics　of　the　song　that　was　playing　because　he　was　so　into　it。　Just　as　Jenny　had　leaned　in；　Elise　had　grabbed　her　by　the　crook　of　the　arm　and　yanked　her　out　of　the　club　and　into　a　cab。

Jenny　had　felt　relieved；　but　ever　since；　she’d　found　it　impossible　to　get　Tyler　out　of　her　head。　What　would’ve　happened　if　they　had　kissed？　And　if　it　was　just　an　innocent　lean…in；　then　why　did　she　feel　so　guilty？

“e　up！”　Nate　yelled　into　the　inter；　interrupting　Jenny’s　reverie。

Jenny　climbed　the　winding　staircase　toward　Nate’s　top…floor　bedroom。　The　town　house　always　seemed　spookily　quiet　whenever　she　walked　in。

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